Exposé of What?

Can we stop it with the "surprise" revelation that racism, sexism, misogyny, homophobia, xenophobia, etc. exists in America? Even my own husband was "surprised" by its rampant existence. I know it may come from a good(?) place, but its naiveté is irritating the hell out of me.

Maybe if you believe it doesn't exist, then it doesn't exist in your world, but I live in the real world. And I don't understand where the "exposé" is? Exposé of what? Our bursted bubbles?! Yes. That is the exposé. That we have all been living inside our safe bubbles, behind so many rose-colored filters in an alternate America where it doesn't run rampant.

I have experienced it. And I'm sure you have experience it too. What saddens me to the very core is that unfortunately it was not only afflicted by strangers, but by people I know & have even loved. Let's not belittle everyone who has ever experienced that kind of hatred by saying you are "surprised" by its "still" existence.

I have worked very hard to overcome it, to look past it, to work through the demons. And now, on a national level, with its "exposé", here we are.

It's nothing new.

To say you're surprised by it hurts the capitol F out of me. I don't know what to do with that, except that perhaps we can finally have a REAL conversation about it now & work toward a better future. The vitriol, though, being spewed on both sides of the political aisle is just so disgusting to me that I'm not sure we can.

We have effed the world up. I am not quite sure we deserve to live in that better future, at least not until we have built a better us.

Let the Light In

I know it's too soon to hold hands, to come together, or to work through it.

First, commiserate, break a few things, say: What the F! Celebrate, if you must. Then, pull ourselves together. The system is broken, and perhaps the only person who can destroy it is the person who completely ignores it. And when he does completely destroy it, let's NOT rebuild it, let's do better. I, for one, am ready for a new system.

Being angry out of fear is useless because it will stop you from getting to the other side every time; being happy because you got what you wanted is lazy, and it too, will stop you from getting to the other side every time. We are not as fragile as we think we are & we are not as divided either, but we are definitely broken. If we cannot see the forest for the trees, then lets at least see the cracks in the system.

I refuse to let my heart break because I know change is coming. But change is effing hard & it is even slower. Watch it move. Watch it ebb. Be a part of it. It is far too long that we have only been given the same choices time & time again. Are we not smarter than that? Are we not better? We are a people of revolutions. Let's not steep in the stagnant waters of our own mediocrity. Can we wake the eff up!

"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."

- Leonard Cohen

I've Learned

I am one year older, so I thought I'd get all sage-like & share what I've learned since I took the day off from work to go to the spa but that didn't pan out, like all of my birthday plans for the last few years.

1. I've learned that self-esteem & confidence are not the same thing, you can wipe away your confidence like a temporary tattoo but your self-esteem is a scar you should wear like a medal & not a brand.

2. I've learned that superheroes are made and not born, which is why you can buy them at the store while heroes walk around among us unnoticed & unrewarded, priceless.

3. I've learned that sometimes you have to meet your demons halfway b/c your worst enemy is often yourself & sometimes you have to kick your own butt in order to win the war.

4. I've learned that life doesn't get harder as you get older, it gets larger and larger means interaction and interaction can be scary, especially for introverts, and that's why they created Facebook.

Most importantly...

5. I've learned that life is made up of shapes & forms, sounds & colors, letters & numbers, numbers that I have learned incorrectly while in school b/c I never learned the Common Core Method, which means I have learned nothing, which means I know nothing.

And age, well, age is just a number, after all.

The Painted Girl & Her Mom

I see the curve of her neck and I think about how warm it must feel to touch her. I wonder if it hurts to carry all of her weight at the base of it; how she must quiet all of the ache and pain by rubbing her hands over and over it again and again; how it never goes away. I remember how there's just never enough time to tell all of the people we know how much we love them. We never go where we really want to go. We struggle quick and hard against all of the things that roll down against us. We never stop hurting. If there's still time, if there's just enough time, I wonder if we would do them.

What Inspires Us to Be

When I pick up a rock, smooth and ivory white, I like to turn it on its back and feel its wet, dark underbelly. I like to brush off the wetness and find its grooves, and wonder about how much time and weight must have laid upon it. I like to think about how unappreciated the dark hidden underbelly must have felt as it lay quietly underneath, feeling the weight of the transformation slowly take shape over space and time. I wonder if it mourned what it used to be, feeling its original self slough off layer by layer, pushing heavier and heavier down into the deepest part of itself; or if instead it waited patiently, nervous and excited for its beautiful butterfly self to be revealed. Did it save a remnant of what it used to be, locked away somewhere deep down inside so it can visit itself every once in a while? Is it wonderful to be saved or sad to be kept away like a deep, dark, and lurking secret?

Infinite Possibilities

I don't want to know the truth. I just want a little honesty. It's in the words you choose and the way you deliver them. Be careful. You can tell someone the truth and still be dishonest.

I once encountered a thief who stole a flower from a woman by apologizing for stealing it before it even happened. "I had a dream about that flower you are holding," he said, "I think it meant something to me when I stole it." She didn't give it to him, but noticed that later in the day it was gone.

I like numbers because they represent infinite possibilities with finite solutions. In order to get to point B, you have to start at point A. The paths may be different, but the destination is still the same.

There was this time when I saw a man dance even though he was in a wheel chair. He spread his arms like an eagle and soared without moving. He heard music, he said, in the length of his arms. It felt safe to stretch for something he couldn't reach.

I think it's easier to face the truth when we tell ourselves lies because eventually the lie becomes the truth or the truth becomes the lie, and we can't remember when one came before the other.

Lovely

Lovely is when your son tells you that he wants to go live in an igloo because sometimes people just want to live with penguins. Lovely is when you open the refrigerator door to find your son's pet penguin sitting cozily next to the strawberries because penguins "should be in their natural habitat." Lovely is when you start to believe you've fallen in love with your son's penguin because you've just made room for him in the refrigerator.