I've Learned

I am one year older, so I thought I'd get all sage-like & share what I've learned since I took the day off from work to go to the spa but that didn't pan out, like all of my birthday plans for the last few years.

1. I've learned that self-esteem & confidence are not the same thing, you can wipe away your confidence like a temporary tattoo but your self-esteem is a scar you should wear like a medal & not a brand.

2. I've learned that superheroes are made and not born, which is why you can buy them at the store while heroes walk around among us unnoticed & unrewarded, priceless.

3. I've learned that sometimes you have to meet your demons halfway b/c your worst enemy is often yourself & sometimes you have to kick your own butt in order to win the war.

4. I've learned that life doesn't get harder as you get older, it gets larger and larger means interaction and interaction can be scary, especially for introverts, and that's why they created Facebook.

Most importantly...

5. I've learned that life is made up of shapes & forms, sounds & colors, letters & numbers, numbers that I have learned incorrectly while in school b/c I never learned the Common Core Method, which means I have learned nothing, which means I know nothing.

And age, well, age is just a number, after all.

The Painted Girl & Her Mom

I see the curve of her neck and I think about how warm it must feel to touch her. I wonder if it hurts to carry all of her weight at the base of it; how she must quiet all of the ache and pain by rubbing her hands over and over it again and again; how it never goes away. I remember how there's just never enough time to tell all of the people we know how much we love them. We never go where we really want to go. We struggle quick and hard against all of the things that roll down against us. We never stop hurting. If there's still time, if there's just enough time, I wonder if we would do them.

What Inspires Us to Be

When I pick up a rock, smooth and ivory white, I like to turn it on its back and feel its wet, dark underbelly. I like to brush off the wetness and find its grooves, and wonder about how much time and weight must have laid upon it. I like to think about how unappreciated the dark hidden underbelly must have felt as it lay quietly underneath, feeling the weight of the transformation slowly take shape over space and time. I wonder if it mourned what it used to be, feeling its original self slough off layer by layer, pushing heavier and heavier down into the deepest part of itself; or if instead it waited patiently, nervous and excited for its beautiful butterfly self to be revealed. Did it save a remnant of what it used to be, locked away somewhere deep down inside so it can visit itself every once in a while? Is it wonderful to be saved or sad to be kept away like a deep, dark, and lurking secret?

Infinite Possibilities

I don't want to know the truth. I just want a little honesty. It's in the words you choose and the way you deliver them. Be careful. You can tell someone the truth and still be dishonest.

I once encountered a thief who stole a flower from a woman by apologizing for stealing it before it even happened. "I had a dream about that flower you are holding," he said, "I think it meant something to me when I stole it." She didn't give it to him, but noticed that later in the day it was gone.

I like numbers because they represent infinite possibilities with finite solutions. In order to get to point B, you have to start at point A. The paths may be different, but the destination is still the same.

There was this time when I saw a man dance even though he was in a wheel chair. He spread his arms like an eagle and soared without moving. He heard music, he said, in the length of his arms. It felt safe to stretch for something he couldn't reach.

I think it's easier to face the truth when we tell ourselves lies because eventually the lie becomes the truth or the truth becomes the lie, and we can't remember when one came before the other.

Lovely

Lovely is when your son tells you that he wants to go live in an igloo because sometimes people just want to live with penguins. Lovely is when you open the refrigerator door to find your son's pet penguin sitting cozily next to the strawberries because penguins "should be in their natural habitat." Lovely is when you start to believe you've fallen in love with your son's penguin because you've just made room for him in the refrigerator.

Sandy Hook

Sunday morning finds my little part of the world wrapped in rain and a tepid fogginess. The boys are unraveling yet another mess all over the floor, and I am about to unleash my full-on mom-tantrum. But then I turn on the t.v. and the computer only to find I cannot escape the news of Friday's event. We keep trying to make sense of it all, to understand the boy, to understand the mother, to understand the country. Too many words, no stone left unturned. I am sad and my heart goes out to all of those in mourning, but I don't know what they are going through. I can still hold on to my loved ones, and I wish beyond all wishes that they could too. So on this sad Sunday, I'll remember you and if you were here, I'd hug you, tell you I miss you and that I love you too. And if we learn anything from this at all, I hope it is that life is fragile. We cannot let it diminish our light; our hearts beat on, heavy now, but in the morning, brighter still. Hold on, hold tight.

Raising Sons...

I've never been the motherly type, but I've always wanted to raise a strong daughter, pass on some of my she-wisdom, if I may.

Now, here I am, in this space, with these two boys. I'm a little frightened and a little out of my element. Change of plans.

The lesson is still the same: A world where women and men don't have to be afraid of each other, where we teach each other it's wrong to hate and hurt anyone.

Yes, I would have taught her: Be careful b/c there are bad people out there, bad men who may hurt you, rape you and even kill you.

Now instead of preaching to the choir, I have to demand attention, ask for empathy, require understanding, have a conversation, turn the tables. It's important to me.

It's personal because it's as simple as: I don't want any of my sons to hurt any of your daughters.

I used to live in that world of Be Careful, but now this beast is changing skin, changing wheels, mutating, re-evaluating b/c my world is now, teaching:

Rape is wrong.