Every single day or days or weeks or months. Years even. Forever, really. Don't know what's worse...for you to be completely gone so I can finally grieve, or to be here but not here so that I'm in a perpetual limbo. To be happy to still see your face but to know I will never be able to share a truly genuine moment with you ever again. To be so mad and so angry but to know there is nothing I can do, so I smile and I wish you well, and I pick up all of my broken pieces and I continue to move forward, and I hope I'll meet you again somewhere on this journey. I hope that you're smiling wherever you are up above or lost deep inside of yourself. I hope that wherever you are, you are safe. I miss you every single effing day: my oldest beautiful friend Lisa, my lost beloved brother Lee, and now my precious tormented sister Nue.
Monday, March 19, 2018
Sunday, March 18, 2018
"Everyone is going through something that we can’t see."
https://www.themaven.net/sustainablehuman/space-between-stories/everyone-is-going-through-something-_1jQoXKP70aZkWsxKL5fng
This article speaks volumes about the stigma of mental health, but mental health is so important.
For me, it’s like the ceiling is falling down and I’m trying to hold it up but then the walls start to cave in too. So do I let it crush me or do I move on? I move on and I keep moving on until one day it catches up to me. The road behind me is destroyed and I’ve just slammed into a wall. Yet, my demons are still there. So I turn to face them, and I hope that I will win but I know that I may not.
Please remember that we all can fall apart, we all can have moments where we can’t catch our breath, and the floor drops from under us and we just want to give up. So many of us suffer in silence and alone, but we are not alone. We are not sad stories. We are not victims. We are not pitiful. We are life happening to us, and we just need a little help. As much as it can be beautiful, life can be just as devastating.
I am indebted to the ones who have walked this journey with me, the ones who have walked into the darkness with me, and even the ones who just waited for me on the other end. Please check in with the ones you love, check in with the ones who love you. If you need help, don't be afraid to ask; and if someone should be kind enough to offer help, try to accept it. I know I'll never judge you because your story may not be so different from mine.
This article speaks volumes about the stigma of mental health, but mental health is so important.
For me, it’s like the ceiling is falling down and I’m trying to hold it up but then the walls start to cave in too. So do I let it crush me or do I move on? I move on and I keep moving on until one day it catches up to me. The road behind me is destroyed and I’ve just slammed into a wall. Yet, my demons are still there. So I turn to face them, and I hope that I will win but I know that I may not.
Please remember that we all can fall apart, we all can have moments where we can’t catch our breath, and the floor drops from under us and we just want to give up. So many of us suffer in silence and alone, but we are not alone. We are not sad stories. We are not victims. We are not pitiful. We are life happening to us, and we just need a little help. As much as it can be beautiful, life can be just as devastating.
I am indebted to the ones who have walked this journey with me, the ones who have walked into the darkness with me, and even the ones who just waited for me on the other end. Please check in with the ones you love, check in with the ones who love you. If you need help, don't be afraid to ask; and if someone should be kind enough to offer help, try to accept it. I know I'll never judge you because your story may not be so different from mine.
Friday, January 27, 2017
An American Point of View
I asked her what she thought about what is currently happening in this country. "I don't understand American (as in the language), so I don't know what's really going on." Lol! "Yeah," I agreed, "I don't understand American either." I tried to explain a bit of it to her, to which she explained carefully back to me, "This may be our country now, but it is not our land. We will always be guests."
My mother is an American citizen, living in a country, her country, where she will always feel like a guest. She remembers fleeing Laos, a country she was born into. She fears for me, "When are you going to get your American citizenship?"
My mother is an American citizen, living in a country, her country, where she will always feel like a guest. She remembers fleeing Laos, a country she was born into. She fears for me, "When are you going to get your American citizenship?"
Sunday, January 22, 2017
One Person at a Time
Politics belong to the politicians. Protests belong to the protesters. Marches belong to the marchers. It's not for everyone. (It's not for me.) I searched a long time for my weapon of choice, and I am happy with my decision. I am a volunteer at women's shelters, at homeless shelters, at wherever they can use me. It's the frontlines; it's where I feel I can best affect change. It's not glorious, not full of powerful words or chants, or witty signs. It's hard, it's dirty, it's lonely, and you will have to beg for help & money more times than you'd like. But it's humbling, and in this life I have chosen to witness the humility of mankind. I've found that it exists deep down inside of us when we think we've nothing left to give. I see it every time I volunteer. We're all not politicians, we're all not protesters, we're all not marchers, but in the end, we do know where we belong and we do have to make a choice on how best we choose to fight for what we believe in.
Monday, January 2, 2017
Compassion
My only resolution this year: to live a more compassionate life. As parents, compassion is one of the virtues we wish to teach our children. I hope. What I've learned, though, is that when it comes to compassion, and all the other paradigms of virtue, we can't teach it. We can only show it & practice it, and especially grace it upon them as well. Through witnessing it, may they become compassionate individuals themselves, may they appreciate it when they need it, and most importantly, may they recognize it when they receive it.
From Me To You
To all my little nieces & nephews: you are so beautiful & strong in your own different ways. You're all coming of age, and I just want to share a few words to wish you well on your journey. It's long, but be patient, and maybe save it for when you need a few words of encouragement.
Embrace It All:
There will be good days, bad days, sad days, mad days, awesome days and incredibly hard days, but you should walk out there and experience them all. You are the sum total of your experiences, so live a full life and cherish even the bad days b/c they teach you to appreciate the good days.
Don't Be Afraid:
The world can seem like a big & scary place, but it is also awe-inspiring and breathtaking. You may meet monsters, but you will also meet heroes & angels; don't be afraid to recognize them. Someday you may be someone else's angel, so look out for each other, and never give up.
It's OK to Fail:
You will fail more times than not, but don't be afraid to fail. Failure can teach you some of life's most valuable lessons. Just remember, though, that sometimes you just made a bad decision, so own up to it & move on.
Acknowledge Your Successes:
If we're afraid of failure, we're even more afraid of success, but success comes in many different shapes & sizes. No matter how great or small your success is, celebrate it. Remember it for those days when you are too hard on yourself.
Be Vulnerable:
If you don't know the answer, admit it. If you need help, ask for it. You'll never know how strong you really are until you know how strong you really are not. Vulnerability is good because it reminds you of all the things you can't do so that you can excel at all the things you can do.
Respect Life:
Live life to the fullest, but remember that God can take it away in a second. Always buckle-up, always wear a helmet, don't drink & drive, don't do drugs, have a back-up plan. Trust your instincts, and if your gut tells you no, listen to it.
Be Humble:
No matter how smart, beautiful, talented, or awesome you are, someone else will always be better at it. Don't let that diminish your self-esteem. Acknowledge those who are better than you and help those who may be struggling. You'll never know when you'll need their help.
Be Comfortable in Your Own Skin:
It's ok to tell people no. It's ok to tell people they've hurt you. It's ok to walk away. One day you will do what's best for you and you will stand alone, and in those moments you will understand what it means to be worthy of your life.
Forgive:
Whether it is a friend, a family member, a stranger, or even yourself, learn to forgive them. Forgiveness is not an act so great that only God can bestow it; we can forgive each other, and so we should. Peace only comes to those who do not hold grudges.
Let God Love You:
There will be times when you will not want to share anything with anyone, but God will still know. Let him be your best friend, and he will make the good times even better. Let him walk with you, and he will guide you through even the darkest times. He knows you better than you know yourself, and he will always love you even when you think there is nothing left to love.
Embrace It All:
There will be good days, bad days, sad days, mad days, awesome days and incredibly hard days, but you should walk out there and experience them all. You are the sum total of your experiences, so live a full life and cherish even the bad days b/c they teach you to appreciate the good days.
Don't Be Afraid:
The world can seem like a big & scary place, but it is also awe-inspiring and breathtaking. You may meet monsters, but you will also meet heroes & angels; don't be afraid to recognize them. Someday you may be someone else's angel, so look out for each other, and never give up.
It's OK to Fail:
You will fail more times than not, but don't be afraid to fail. Failure can teach you some of life's most valuable lessons. Just remember, though, that sometimes you just made a bad decision, so own up to it & move on.
Acknowledge Your Successes:
If we're afraid of failure, we're even more afraid of success, but success comes in many different shapes & sizes. No matter how great or small your success is, celebrate it. Remember it for those days when you are too hard on yourself.
Be Vulnerable:
If you don't know the answer, admit it. If you need help, ask for it. You'll never know how strong you really are until you know how strong you really are not. Vulnerability is good because it reminds you of all the things you can't do so that you can excel at all the things you can do.
Respect Life:
Live life to the fullest, but remember that God can take it away in a second. Always buckle-up, always wear a helmet, don't drink & drive, don't do drugs, have a back-up plan. Trust your instincts, and if your gut tells you no, listen to it.
Be Humble:
No matter how smart, beautiful, talented, or awesome you are, someone else will always be better at it. Don't let that diminish your self-esteem. Acknowledge those who are better than you and help those who may be struggling. You'll never know when you'll need their help.
Be Comfortable in Your Own Skin:
It's ok to tell people no. It's ok to tell people they've hurt you. It's ok to walk away. One day you will do what's best for you and you will stand alone, and in those moments you will understand what it means to be worthy of your life.
Forgive:
Whether it is a friend, a family member, a stranger, or even yourself, learn to forgive them. Forgiveness is not an act so great that only God can bestow it; we can forgive each other, and so we should. Peace only comes to those who do not hold grudges.
Let God Love You:
There will be times when you will not want to share anything with anyone, but God will still know. Let him be your best friend, and he will make the good times even better. Let him walk with you, and he will guide you through even the darkest times. He knows you better than you know yourself, and he will always love you even when you think there is nothing left to love.
Saturday, December 31, 2016
Dear 2016
I think it's time for us to break up. We've been together for almost 365 days, and you've broken my heart more times than I'd like to admit. You've made me feel so helpless that there have been times I found myself sitting in the dark counting my own heartbeats because it's the only thing I could do. I've had to stifle my joy on many occasions because happy moments only brought on sad happy tears. I don't think I've cried this much in a year since I was a baby. Don't get me wrong, there were happy times too, and even times that I think we're going to be ok, but then you break my heart all over again. You haven't been the worst; you didn't teach me anything. You're not even a rebound; we didn't share pleasurable moments or painful secrets. You're like the storm I saw coming and couldn't escape. You kicked my butt, but I weathered it, and now it's time to move on. Let's be honest, 2016, if I don't break up with you first, you would eventually leave me. Quite frankly, I'd like to beat you to it because you deserve to know that even though you've hurt me, you haven't broken me. I'm looking forward to 2017. He might not be better. He might even be worse. But at least he won't be you. Goodbye, 2016. May the door hit you on the way out.
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